TLDR (no seriously it’s super long): I talk about the stigma of mental health and bipolar using my super cool metaphor: “Black Sheep White Dog”. Also, skills to manage mental health are just as important to develop when you are healthy as when you are unhealthy. It’s like managing your physical health…but yes, in your head.
CW: discussion of mental health and references to associated problematic behaviours. The resource section at the end contains contact numbers that can be used 24/7.
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I am crazy. I am lazy. I am a downer. I am the one who hides herself in her dorm for weeks. I am going a million miles per hour, with unintelligible ideas formed and forgotten. I have nothing to contribute. I will text you several times a day or put it off for weeks. My sense of insecurity is crippling or it is non-existent. I am bipolar.
The concept of “Black Sheep” and “White Dog” draws largely on my need to show a different description of mental health disorders. They are representatives of the two extremes experienced by those with bipolar. The temperaments of both must be recognised and balanced. Those with mental health disorders of any type will see everything in black and white, and understanding these extremes is pivotal to understanding their perspectives.
The metaphor of a Black Dog has characterised discussions of mental health. Often attributed to British Prime Minister Winston Churchill¹, it represents the idea that depression ‘dogs’ your step, pulling you back. I do not agree. We need to switch this stigma, and all stigmas, on their head.
To me, it is not a Black Dog but a Black Sheep. It is withdrawn and lonely, yet it can be reasonable. The White Dog is fun and outgoing, but if you have ever had a dog you have certainly called it a manic little shit (with lots of love in your heart…no judgement). It’s obviously not a perfect metaphor, with characteristics of each transcending both extremes, but to me it helps separate the two conditions and use them to balance out the temperament of the other.
Long Story Short
Being diagnosed with bipolar felt both surprising and inevitable. After around 13 years of dealing with depression and anxiety (unrecognised until I was 15), I was diagnosed in mid-2020. Since then I have experimented with different types of medication and therapies to determine the best way to effectively manage the disorder. It was only through research and discussions with a psychiatrist, psychologists, and participation in group therapy that I have been able to start identifying my own symptoms.
Before this year, I honestly thought bipolar was the same as multiple (dissociative) personality disorder. After some extensive research, I discovered that a) it was a mood disorder characterised by manic highs and depressive lows² and b) I knew next to nothing about mental health except the unfounded stigmas that surrounded it.
Long Story Long
The Black Sheep
The Black Sheep is traditionally an oddity and deviant. It stands out in the crowd.
It is irrefutable that I have consistently been described as the ‘Black Sheep’. This is somewhat due to my nature, but also due to the fact I have been (lovingly) bestowed with the nickname “Shaun the Sheep” since high school.
The Black Sheep is usually placid and calm, reacting to rational dangers such as dogs and wolves. Sheep traditionally seek out connection, but it can find itself ostracised and alone. While they are essentially the same, a slight genetic change thrusts upon them the damaging, lifelong strain of stigma.
When the Black Sheep has control, you have no path. The only thing you can do is follow, but there is no one who will guide you. For me, this is the hopelessness I experience – that my individuality has been overwritten by all the negative things around me. That I can never possibly achieve my goals, no matter how hard I try. I feel abandoned. I can cry, but no one will hear. No one will listen. I know they all hate me – who wants to hang out with a sad Sheep?
However, the idea that all sheep are stupid and lazy is wrong³. As individuals, they can form their own interests and relationships, and feel sad when it is warranted. Being a Black Sheep is an opportunity to stand out. To be confident in your skills and build the resilience of the flock as a whole. These are values that (sometimes) I can see in myself. I do have a reasonable side. I can make rational decisions. I am someone that is intelligent and values my relationships above all else.
The White Dog
The White Dog is playful. It is happy and social rather than passive. It seeks out fun but values a good night’s sleep (preferably on my bed). Exercise and good food (plenty of treats of course…) bring out the best in them. Professionally trained, it brings so much joy to others around them.
However, it can become over-excited. A variety of factors such as (but not limited to) neglect, abuse, and lack of exercise can result in an overly energetic and destructive companion. It can become terrified of abandonment. It bounces off the walls – chewing everything in sight. It howls and barks through the night – seeking escape from the confines of their home. Suddenly, it seems that those around them only seek to do them harm and trap them. It becomes defensive, lonely, withdrawn. It engages in behaviours that result in self-harm or harm to others.
When a person experiences this, it is mania.
Suddenly, I withdraw. Everyone is against me. I feel that “I am on nobody’s side, because nobody is on my side” (talking trees give the best insights⁴): everyone is working against me. They hate me. They see me and know every thought I’ve ever had and judge that I am not worthy of happiness or joy. I agree.
Who wants to hang out with a crazy Dog?
I tip over the edge. Hurt and confused, I withdraw. My most recent hypomanic episode (less than mania, but still somewhat out of control) occurred towards the end of 2020. I was irrational. Throwing myself into everything I could. Frustrated when I couldn’t immediately do the things that I wanted, like rush off to buy a Christmas tree. I could achieve anything, if only these annoying people stood out of my way. Then, suddenly, everyone was against me. To ease my frustration I went shopping. I drank more. I turned to more extreme measures that caused harm, like an overexcited dog who chews their own leg.
Then the burnout came. I lost control of the White Dog, and the Black Sheep reappeared. The culmination of a change in my medication, a crappy year where it seemed everything around me had gone wrong, a sense of failure that I was stuck at home, and the utter hopelessness that there was no future in which I could be happy. My angry thoughts turned into desperation as I believed I did not deserve it anyway. I became terrified of being alone, and pushed people away that did not deserve to be pushed. I validated my own fears.
It was compounded by the stark distinction from the utter joy I had experienced just a week before, and the fact that I knew what was going on but could not stop myself from crying for almost 3 weeks straight. Escape usually looks appealing at this stage.
As I lose control of both, stress becomes unavoidable. I no longer have the strength to avoid acting on unhealthy urges. It clouds my judgement, leading me to make irrational decisions that only serve to validate negative thoughts. Any sudden changes send me spiralling. It took months to begin to recover after being repatriated from Indonesia with 3 day’s notice in the wake of COVID-19.
I felt as if the skills I had worked so hard for crumbled at my feet.
But like training any dog, it takes repetition. By using them I may have prevented a catastrophic episode of mania. In the past, these have almost caused serious harm – I have even had delusions that bordered on hallucinations. While these were a fun experience at the time (and hallucinogen free! Gladys⁵ would be proud), the consequences could have been far worse. It can also be concerning for others, like when your dog starts barking and running around for no apparent reason.
The Shadow
If the Black Sheep and the White Dog are the extremes, there is a balance. This is the grey area – the Shadow. We are not overly sad, but neither are we uncontrollably happy. We find contentment and satisfaction while allowing ourselves room to breathe and build our skills. Only with these skills can we identify changes between the Sheep and the Dog and keep them both in check for a healthy mental state.
To achieve it, I seek to acknowledge both. I am learning how to minimise the extent to which I let one or the other take charge. There will always be fluctuations – perhaps more than most for me – but it is within my power to forgive myself and move on.
One of the most important lessons I have learnt is that even when we have control over both sides of ourselves, we must accept that we cannot control how others react.
If they look down on you, ostracise you, or harm you in any way, it is not your fault.
You can only control your action and reaction. Respond however you need to, express whatever you need to, and forgive yourself for whatever you need to. For feeling anger, shame, sadness, and more –the emotions we are told to hide. In order to move on, you need to do or do not – there is no try⁶.
To validate your positive thoughts, you need to do positive things. To be kind, you must do kind things. To be confident you must do confident things. For me this has been to buy bright and colourful clothes, and wear them at every opportunity. I have proved my fear of people laughing at me wrong.
To connect better with those around you, you must communicate your needs. But listen to theirs. You set an example. When you listen, so do they. When you are confident, so are the people around us.
There are also things I do not. I do not stop, and I do not give up. In 13 years I never have.
Accept that all parts of you have strength, but sometimes you need help to find it.
Not The End
Just before my diagnosis, a psychologist told me that I should not “seek it out”. That I was too smart to have bipolar. That the stigma would follow me around for the rest of my life. That it was merely “fashionable” (wait…what?!). I had previously discussed issues I have had growing up as a lesbian in environment that encouraged hiding this as vigorously as any mental health condition, and knew that she applied this sentiment to that as well. My GP already had referred me to a psychiatrist, so I was hounded by doubt and fear. This led to some of the worst few weeks in my life. She had made me afraid of the stigma, afraid that all the negative thoughts I had ever had; that I was just crazy, that it was all in my head, that I didn’t deserve help…were true.
But I did the bravest thing I could – I went. I was diagnosed within about 20 minutes of my first visit and was immediately recommended mood stabilisers. Since then I have renamed my Spotify playlist to ‘Mood Stabiliser’⁷ and find it similarly effective. The doctor informed me that it would be a process of trialling several medications to find a balance. I was overwhelmed at the number of choices I now had. A chance to use medication to help, not hinder recovery. Access to group therapies and skills I had never heard about before. I now knew I could do brave things.
I still regret much of what I have done in the past. If you know me, you know that I can be erratic, impulsive, extreme. I burst into song and burst into tears within a few hours of each other. I have burnt myself and my relationships out in record time. Cut connections I wish I could heal, and did not give myself the freedom to explain what was going on.
Throughout all this hope has always kept me going – hope for a stronger future and second chances. I still have a long way to go, but now I see both my mind and my body becoming stronger than ever before.
One stigma that surrounds mental health is that we use our diagnosis as a crutch. I don’t believe this is the case. Our crutch is our problematic behaviour; inconvenient, but the only thing that stops us falling.
Dealing with mental health is the same as physical health – there is no one magic tool to achieve perfect health. It is a balancing act of lifestyle and professional support, essential ingredients to strengthening mental health. Once we have strengthened ourselves, we can abandon our crutches.
What helps us heal is medication. Rehabilitation. And most importantly, our determination to seek and accept help.
This may seem self-centred, and it is. I have long ignored my own feelings and succumbed to the judgements of others. In order to overcome this, I have to recognise my strengths and focus on what brings me gratitude. My dogs (obviously), for being constant beings of joy. My family, for standing with me. For carrying me when I needed it. My friends, for asking how best to help as soon as I reach out.
I am grateful to be ‘certifiably’ crazy.
Note: This is based off my own experiences to show some of the symptoms someone with a mental health disorder may display. I have had an incredible amount of privilege while accessing help and support which I cannot take for granted. Everyone will have a different experience and I do not intend to speak on behalf of anyone besides myself.
Extra resources
My attempt to avoid plagiarism:
- Ghaemi, N 2015, Winston Churchill and his ‘black dog’ of greatness, accessed 28th December 2020, https://theconversation.com/winston-churchill-and-his-black-dog-of-greatness-36570
- Any decent information source about bipolar (not sensationalised headlines about celebrities like Kanye West)
- Because I say otherwise. But so does she: Harriet Constable, Sheep are not stupid and they are not helpless (as a group this may be different…)
- Seriously? You don’t know Treebeard? Get cultured and watch Lord of the Rings (read it too). This is from The Two Towers. Or unfriend me – I guess you have control over your own actions.
- Gladys Berejiklian – current NSW Premier. She keeps trying to ban drugs at music festivals to little avail…
- If you need to know where this comes from, I give up on you.
- Florence and The Machine, Aurora, Mumford and Sons, Of Monsters and Men, Boy and Bear, and a healthy sprinkling of the Hamilton soundtrack all feature strongly here. But whatever floats your boat.
Other Resources
Crisis and information hotlines (available 24/7)
- Lifeline – 13 11 14 (useful for crises, distraction, and suggestions for preventative action)
- Beyond Blue – 1300 22 4636 (useful for crises, distraction, and recommendations to further support)
- Kids Helpline – 1800 55 1800 (for youth aged 15-25 from all backgrounds. Offers up to 50 minutes of free counselling for any issue. I highly recommend this one)
- MensLine Australia – 1300 78 99 78 (designed specifically to support men)
- Access full list here
Online resources
For additional educational resources for those directly or indirectly effected by mental health disorders. These are worth looking at for everyone to learn more about their own health and wellbeing.
- Lifeline
- Beyond Blue
- Black Dog
- Sane Australia
- Bipolar Australia – Bipolar specific resources with real-life Australian experiences (not simply the textbook definition)
- Cute puppy photos
- Access more here
Podcasts (available on Spotify & all LGBTQIA+ friendly)
- I weigh with Jameela Jamil – check out the website
- The Manic Episodes
- Getting Curious with Jonathan Van Ness
- I pretty much listen to these exclusively, but there are more! 🙂
I also highly recommend the book ‘Happy (And Other Ridiculous Aspirations)‘ by Turia Pitt. She has been a massive role model of mine, and is a pro at displaying how to use basic skills for better emotional control and interpersonal effectiveness. In short, how to live a happier life.
roads go ever on 